All that I want
Is to wake up fine
Tell me that I’m alright
That I ain’t gonna die
I’ve been thinking about change a lot.
This year has taken a turn in a way I didn’t expect. It changed.
Over halfway through 2017 and I’m struggling to deal with all of it. In various facets of my life, an overwhelming amount of change has me feeling lost.
I wonder why. Why is all of this happening now? I think of the timing of situations often and with me being me, I try to figure out what went wrong. At times it’s too much. At times I feel stuck and don’t know how I’m going to move forward. I had a handful of goals in the beginning of the year and they are still things I want to accomplish. However, those goals feel different now. I have to approach them in another way and am finding inspiration to reach them again.
The past couple months haven’t been the best. In fact, it is probably the lowest I’ve felt in a while. And I’ve been pretty honest about that when people as of late ask me, “how are you?” In order to be more in tune with my emotions and what I’m going through, I don’t want to mask it at all. I don’t see how that’ll help me progress with anything. So instead, I’ve been embracing them. Embracing that yes, this is a difficult time for me. Embracing that my emotions are valid. Embracing that I’m just person trying to get through life. With that embrace also comes acceptance. Acceptance in that I can’t change everything. I can’t change what has happened in the past. I can’t change that even on the days where I want the world to stop…it’s still going to continue on.
Through this acceptance has also come a lot of reflection and learning how to grow from it. This isn’t an overnight thing at all. It’ll take time and I’m doing my best to work through it. Self-care has been key in all of this. Whether it be my health or personal issues, making sure I’m doing what I can to take care of myself is essential. Hiking, face masks, yoga, writing, blasting sad songs… these are just a handful of things that seem to be helping. And it goes more into just doing things that make me feel better. It’s also actively working on myself, so that there’s an actual change on the inside.
The song I quoted at the start of this post, “Hard Times,” comes from one of my favorite bands, Paramore. Coincidentally this album came out around the “start” of this hard time for me. Whenever I’m going through anything really, happy or sad, music is always something I turn to. Recently, a lot of Paramore, SZA, Lorde, Halsey, and Haim have been in rotation. Multiple song lyrics have been mantras for me in a sense and I’ve repeating (and singing…very poorly) those daily.
As Big Sean would say,
Last night took an L, but tonight I bounce back
It seems like I’ve taken WAY TOO MANY Ls in 2017 and yet again, I have to find a way to bounce back. In this “I have no idea what’s going on in my life” phase, I find myself focusing on the things I want. I’m planning trips, working out (& reaching my goals!), building the career I want, and just overall finding happiness again.
I recently read an interview Hayley Williams of Paramore did and there was one quote that has stuck with me and has changed my perspective of things the past few weeks.
Everything’s gonna be everything
When I read that…I had a bit of a lightbulb moment. Things in life are going to happen, but everything will be okay. Everything’s gonna be everything and it will still be amazing.
Now with all that being said, I’m excited to put content out there again (for real this time)! Expect posts about my travels, music I’m into, and whatever is going on in this wandering mind of mine.
Huge shoutout to my lovely friend, Nicole, for taking such great pictures of me for the site!