Reality will break your heart
Survival will not be the hardest part
Oh what a year 2017 has been. I feel that a significant portion of people have had that exact thought. 2017 was something else. For me, so unexpected. It seems like this year was so much longer than just twelve months. I joked with a friend the other day that 2017 felt like a decade. So many changes happened throughout this year that have me very reflective on it all. The world and time we’re living in is a very interesting place right now. This place… has proved difficult to be in. Whether it’s 45’s monstrosity of an administration, Al Gore’s innanet (yes you read that right) having its net neutrality repealed, the severeness of climate change, black lives still getting killed…IT’S A LOT.
So here’s an attempt to sort out what’s been in my head about how I feel about 2017.
I experienced heaven.
I experienced hell.
In the beginning of the year I had all the optimism in the world. Halfway through that same year, I could barely envision what tomorrow would be like. The vast contrast of these emotions baffles me at times.
I had my share of highs and lows, just like anyone else. However, this year in particular, I experienced a lot and had to learn from it. I learned what it felt like to not have control of my own body and be in some of the worst pain I’ve ever felt. I learned how our minds sometimes “can’t” handle our own reality and it’s hard to deal with. I learned the importance of communication and being vulnerable. I learned how sometimes you have to lose someone, in order to find yourself. The importance of being your true authentic self, without caring what others think. Realizing that life continues on in so many ways. Life is full of moments that range from happy to sad, pleasant and unpleasant, amazing and awful.
Life will still go on even when the people you want to be there in it with you, aren’t…and that’s okay.
Someone told me a couple months ago that I was becoming the Amira they knew I could always be. Just thinking about those words, makes me tear up every time. In the grand scheme of it all, 2017 was a year that I did have to find myself more. That alone took so much work. More work than anticipated.
The changes I had to make were ultimately for the better. At times, I’ll find myself referencing what the “old Amira” would do compared to the “new Amira.” This journey of more self- actualization isn’t just a quick fix. It’s a continuation. There have been weeks where I feel great and there are weeks where I feel down on myself. Somehow though… I keep pushing. Anxiety and depression really took a toll on me throughout the year and I do my best to not let these things hinder me and continue to take the best care of myself that I can.
I want to say around my birthday in August, when I turned 24, there was a turning point. I feel that as I get older, my perspective on life just changes because…that’s life! The more I become an adult and do “grown” things, I just have to accept things and life as they are. That shift in perspective has been so important in this growth I’ve felt the latter half of 2017.
Now there were some good times as well throughout the year, I can’t deny that. A few highlights that come to mind were that I:
- Learned so much about myself, wants, needs, goals, and everything in between.
- Worked Coachella for the second year in a row! I lost my voice on the first day, danced and sang my heart out to THE Lady Gaga both weekends. I ran after my shift ended to Kendrick Lamar’s set and was yelling the lyrics to “m.A.A.d. city,” while weaving through people to find a spot to watch him perform. I reconnected with old festival buddies and made some new ones.
- Flew out to California for my birthday and visited my brother and sister-in-law in their new home. I had amazing food, wine and important quality time with the two dogs and one cat in the house.
- Met one of my *favorite* bands, Paramore, and saw them perform in my city. I held back tears as I frantically explained how much I love them and that they’re a huge inspiration to me (Hayley and I had on matching leather jackets…a true moment).
- Found out my brother and sister-in-law are expecting which means I’LL BE AN AUNT THIS YEAR. I’m ready to spoil this baby with all the gifts.
- Received a long awaited raise at work (the music industry is still tough y’all).
I do hope and know that 2018 will be better. Things will fall into place and make sense. I feel it so much that change for the good will happen.
There’s a lot I want to accomplish this year, and these first couple weeks of the new year have been composed of me planning it all out. A quick visual of what this has looked like: lots of writing in 3 different journals, writing for the blog, budgeting EVERYTHING, taking frequent breaks to watch 90s music videos, and trying to create something out of all these ideas in my head.
So here’s to a year with less tears, less hurting, less overthinking, more laughing, more dancing, more late night drives blasting music, lots of traveling, expressing my crazy self, and most importantly: more life.
I’m ready for ya.
It’s gonna take a bit of work
“Work”- Charlotte Day Wilson